Solar Wind

“The life in us is diminished by judgment far more frequently than by disease. Our own self-judgment or the judgment of other people can stifle our life force, its spontaneity and natural expression. Unfortunately, judgment is commonplace. It is as rare to find someone who loves us as we are as it is to find someone who loves themselves whole.

“Judgment does not only take the form of criticism. Approval is also a form of judgment. When we approve of people, we sit in judgment of them just as surely as when we criticize them. Positive judgment hurts less acutely that criticism, but is judgment all the same and we are harmed by it in far more subtle ways. To seek approval is ti have no resting place, no sanctuary. Like all judgment, approval encourages a constant striving. It makes us uncertain of who we are and of our true value. … Approval can’t be trusted. It can be withdrawn at any time. … Yet many of us spend our lives pursuing it.” ~Rachel Naomi Remen

Diminished by Judgment

“The older I get, the more open-minded I get, the less judgmental I get.” ~Gwyneth Paltrow

Probably the first and most important reason why we should not be judging others is that by doing so, we don’t get to know who they truly are. We are looking at them through our own filters of what is right and what is wrong. As a result, we only see part of what they are. The second reason is that by constantly judging their people, even if only in our own mind, we are granting other permission to judge us. As ye sow, so shall ye reap. Also, as Paltrow points out, open-minded people are, by definition, not judgmental. It is the very definition of open-mindedness to see things and people as they are without judging them.

Self-Judgment

“I don’t ever want anyone to think that I’m being judgmental. I gotta do everything I can do to not be preachy.” ~Rivers Coumo

Ms. Remen notes that we sit in judgment of ourselves more often than of others. At least, most of us do. Anyone who isn’t a narcissist is probably judging themselves all the time, often without realizing they are doing it.

I caught myself doing it just this morning. I got home from the supermarket and put away the groceries. Only then did I realize that I didn’t get eggs and I was completely out. I had to make an extra trip to a nearby grocery store to get them. All the way there I was thinking what an idiot I was to forget eggs. I was judging myself harshly for a minor thing, and that does not help us.

Approval is Judging

I have never heard anyone before suggest that positive judgments, or approval, is bad. It is always the negative kind people talk about. They tell you to stop being so judgmental when you say someone is fat or ugly. You never hear anyone say that when you state that someone is smart or beautiful. Yet Remen has a point. When you start giving praise to someone, you put pressure on them to live up to that reputation. You may also be putting pressure on yourself because when you praise another, you feel that you need to try to get up to that standard as well. And there is the negative side to it.

While never said, when you say someone is smart, you are implying that the others around them are less smart. You don’t tell someone they are beautiful unless they are more beautiful than the people around them. So while you judge one person positively, you are judging others negatively.

Still, I think positive judging is less damaging than the negative kind, and may even be beneficial. After all, aren’t we told to compliment others? That is a mild form of positive judgment and one that I think rare does any harm.

In the above comment from Rivers Coumo, He says he doesn’t want anyone to think he is judgmental. That is a good way to put it. I found when I looked for quotes on being judgmental that quite a few celebrities are quick to say that they are not judgmental. I bet most of them don’t realize that they are being self-judgmental when they say that.

Decisions and Progress

Here is the catch-22 about being judgmental. How can we make decisions if we are not judgmental? How can we make progress if we can’t judge where we are and where we need to go? Obviously, we can’t. Let me give you some examples. In a few days, I am getting new tires put on my car. I didn’t randomly choose which tire store to go to. I didn’t randomly choose which tires to get. Over the past two weeks, I have looked at all tires available and carefully chose the best ones for the weather and road conditions where I live. I was judging tires. I almost immediately judged that the standard all-season tires wouldn’t do. I have gotten stuck in snow several times in the past three winters because that is what I had. But I didn’t want to have to get snow tires that are only good in the winter. Again, I was judging. Fortunately, I found there is a little-known third category: all-weather tires. All-weather tires are good in all temperatures, on all roads, AND in snow. So I made a decision that I was getting all-weather tires. I was quite judgmental about it.

The Spiritual Side

Another example is a spiritual one. Nearly thirty years ago, I made the decision that I wanted to get seriously into spiritual development. I had been reading spiritual books for years, but I knew that wasn’t enough. Reading books won’t make you spiritual any more than reading Think and Grow Rich will make you a millionaire. So I started looking at ads in certain magazines of the time for spiritual schools. One ad grabbed my attention. My intuition told me it was the one. So I sent in the form and became a member of Cosolargy. I have never regretted that, even though it was judging. I think the key here is that in making a spiritual judgment, I was using my intuition, and not my mind full of personal beliefs. That, I think, is an acceptable way to be judgmental. I have made, I think, considerable spiritual progress. That could not have happened if I didn’t make a decision. I had to judge to make progress.

But judging things like tires and fruit at the supermarket is a necessary and beneficial kind of being judgmental. So like everything else, we can’t over-generalize and say that all judging is bad. Some of it is good and necessary. We just have to develop the skills and intuition to know the difference.